Someone drew doughnuts on the bottom of the grocery list
My wife thought it was cute so she bought them
She doesn't need to know it was me pic.twitter.com/qmdoCc9sDO
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) December 5, 2016
IF YOU KIDS DON'T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) May 21, 2016
My son just asked me if cats can have babies when they aren't married and I told him yes, but I honestly don't know.
— Elizabeth (@Elizasoul80) March 1, 2016
My kids wanted a karaoke machine for Christmas-little did I know it would be for yelling in the mic "CAN WE HAVE A SNACK" when I'm upstairs.
— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) January 27, 2016
[building a snowman with my kids]
Me: Ok, who wants to put the arms in?
Kids: *went inside 2 hours ago to play video games*
— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) February 2, 2015
7yo: Daddy, have some pee juice!
*throws cup full of liquid at me
7yo: It wasn't really pee
Me: Thank you
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) October 22, 2016
How to organize Legos in 3 easy steps:
1. Throw Legos away
2. Tell kids you were robbed
3. Fix yourself a drink. You've earned it.
— DaddyJew (@DaddyJew) July 30, 2016
A parenting rite of passage is getting caught throwing away Happy Meal toys as they sing from their grave bc you didn't turn the sound off.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) October 15, 2016
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) March 21, 2016
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) August 16, 2016
Why I should accomplish all my goals today:
1) I'm motivated.
2) I'm ambitious.
3) I planned ahead.
Why I won’t:
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) January 8, 2017