#1.
https://twitter.com/TheAlexNevil/status/816660719194161152
#2.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can't go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) August 16, 2016
#3.
My son was crying and asked, "why doesn't the dog have to wear pants?" And it's like, I don't even know. So now I'm putting pants on a dog.
— Ally (@TragicAllyHere) September 30, 2016
#4.
Parents: "If only there were a manual for this."
Also parents: "How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit."
— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) January 1, 2017
#5.
wife: Let's fool around after the kids go to bed
narrator: But they never did fool around— Josh (@iwearaonesie) January 2, 2017
#6.
I'm coaching my son's soccer team because it's important that he knows I'll swear at other kids, too.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) April 13, 2015
#7.
https://twitter.com/ashleyaustrew/status/724700758742986752
#8.
my 10yr old is doing laundry & I'm truly proud of her but also on the verge of a panic attack because she's folding my shirts the wrong way
— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) January 2, 2017
#9.
"I just think it's weird that you have so much white hair. That's kind of a grandma thing."
-7yo, and current least favorite child
— Amy Flory (@FunnyIsFamily) June 29, 2016
#10.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
— EricaTriesToTweet (@EricaWhoToYou) June 10, 2016
#11.
Someone drew doughnuts on the bottom of the grocery list
My wife thought it was cute so she bought them
She doesn't need to know it was me pic.twitter.com/qmdoCc9sDO
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 5, 2016
#12.
IF YOU KIDS DON'T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) May 21, 2016
#13.
My son just asked me if cats can have babies when they aren't married and I told him yes, but I honestly don't know.
— elizabeth (@Elizasoul80) March 1, 2016
#14.
My kids wanted a karaoke machine for Christmas-little did I know it would be for yelling in the mic "CAN WE HAVE A SNACK" when I'm upstairs.
— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) January 27, 2016
#15.
[building a snowman with my kids]
Me: Ok, who wants to put the arms in?
Kids: *went inside 2 hours ago to play video games*— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) February 2, 2015
#16.
7yo: Daddy, have some pee juice!
*throws cup full of liquid at me
Me:
7yo:
Me:
7yo: It wasn't really pee
Me: Thank you— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) October 22, 2016
#17.
https://twitter.com/DaddyJew/status/759489633097056257?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw/
#18.
A parenting rite of passage is getting caught throwing away Happy Meal toys as they sing from their grave bc you didn't turn the sound off.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) October 15, 2016
#19.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) March 21, 2016
#20.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) August 16, 2016
#21.
Why I should accomplish all my goals today:
1) I'm motivated.
2) I'm ambitious.
3) I planned ahead.
Why I won’t:
1) Kids
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 8, 2017