#1. #2. No hats at the dinner table. #SurvivalGuideToThanksgiving pic.twitter.com/k6ypWmCVMe — IndianaTom (@TomInIndiana) November 21, 2016 #3. #4. #SurvivalGuideToThanksgiving make sure to sit near a plug — Piter Rivero (@Maiden747En) November 21, 2016 #5. Bring a fully charged…
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#1. #2. WAITER: Room for dessert? [flashback to the room at home that hides all my desserts] ME: [nervous laugh] Haha I don't have one of those. — Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy) September 2, 2015 #3. Ordered Chinese last night.…
Take a break from the recent news on murder clowns and the nightmare of elections and scroll on down for some funny mom tweets about every sugar-driven toddler’s favorite time of the year: Halloween! #1. Funny how everyone at my son's…
#1. If anyone asks about 2016, there’s only one way to answer them. 2016 is like a montage of news footage you see in the beginning of a post-apocalyptic movie explaining how the world was ruined. — Shower Thoughts (@TheWeirdWorld) July…
#1. Just one more button kiddo. if my kid pushed any more buttons, I'd be an elevator.. — dadmissions (@Dadmissions) April 18, 2016 #2. What’s the name of that drink? Waiter: Can I start you with something to drink sir?Me: Yeah,…
#1. Being an adult pic.twitter.com/TCgXc0xqWf — Nikki Polansky (@nikkifaceful) August 27, 2015 #2. 21 "you're so young" 22 "you're so young" 23 "you're so young" 24 "you're so young" 25 "are you married? How's your career going?" — PSYCHOBUTWORTHIT (@yourfavepsycho_)…
#1. doc: "your dad's been in a coma for 9 days, we're running out of ideas"me: "let me try" [goes to adjust thermostat]dad: [opens one eye] — k e i t h 🐤🥔 (@KeetPotato) July 13, 2015 #2. #3.…
#1. Hillary starts the next debate with "Sorry Donald, your hands are too small to grab this pussy" then dances for 90 mins — Shalyah Evans (@ShalyahEvans) October 7, 2016 #2. #3. All the commercials for tonight's debate are…
#1. #2. #3. *matches with cute girl on tinder*me: heyher: helllo! who's the guy in your 3rd picture he's cute.*unmatches cute girl on tinder*the end — BrennenTaylor.eth (@BrennenTaylor) September 30, 2016 #4. #5. Just when I started…
#1. I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is "down for the count." I don't care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who's winning. — kim (@KimmyMonte) June 9, 2014 #2. #3. friend: how are…
#1. BATMAN: I got you flowersCATWOMAN: Put them in this vaseBATMAN: OkCATWOMAN: *pushes vase off counter while maintaining eye contact* — Floyd (@dafloydsta) September 8, 2015 #2. #3. *on phone* Sure I can come over! Let me– Cat curled…
#1. I'm sick of people saying bread isn't good for you… Jesus did not say he was the broccoli of life ok??? Give us this day our daily kale?? — tweets (julia’s version) (@JustbeingJuls) September 28, 2016 #2. The Very…
#1. #2. October is almost here, which means it's basically Thanksgiving. Guys, Christmas is next week. — Spencer Althouse (@SpencerAlthouse) September 22, 2014 #3. christmas is in 100 days which means it's not long until michael buble comes out…
#1. Financial status: taping together a dollar bill that my toddler ripped to shreds — Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) March 29, 2016 #2. My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I…
#1. [normal life]ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week[packing for vacation]hmmm. i'll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts — jonny sun (@jonnysun) July 5, 2016 #2. Do I just call you or should we…