And the Geeks said unto the masses, go into your darkened rooms, and be there: and I will give thee tablets, and a law, and commandments which I have written; that thou mayest follow them. And the noobs rose up, and proclaimed: “Like WTH!!!!!! #isthissh1tforreal?!?!?”
In the beginning there was internet lingo, and the lingo was with the computer nerds. With the advent of social media, the internet has become more popular and accessible than ever — but there is an unspoken netiquette to be followed. You know the kind of thing we’re talking about… indeed, you probably have your own list of pet peeves.
It doesn’t matter if you believe in heaven, purgatory, or reincarnation, social media hell shows no mercy. So here’s a list of commandments to help us all avoid eternal digital damnation.
#1. Thou shalt always mentally filter thy posts.
Even though the purpose of social media is to connect and communicate, some things are just better left unsaid. Remember that we’re in the age of the internet, and no one is safe.
You’re hungry? Go eat. You’ve got an unusual mole? Log off and go get that sh*t checked. No one else is going to understand why ‘omg I can’t believe that just happened,’ happened. It’s a status, not your diary. Go get a notepad. Please.
#Thisisnothowyouuseahashtag and #neither #is #this #any #better. Hashtags are useful for when you’re keeping track of topics or discussions, not for full sentences or jokes that you, and only you, can understand.
#4. Thou shalt not post excessively.
If social media platforms had post limits, we would all be second guessing and prioritizing our content. Just as you shouldn’t post too much personal information, you shouldn’t post too much irrelevant information.
#5. Thou shalt not abuse punctuation marks.
Yes, your social media posts aren’t your dissertation drafts, but that doesn’t mean you should ignore good grammar altogether. Truth be told, too many exclamation marks are just plain annoying.
The evolution of drunk texting and calling is upon us. Social media is already hard to navigate, but how about when you’re drunk? Stoned? High? Pretty sure no one wants an eternal reminder of their intoxicated idiocy floating around the cloud.
#7. Thou shalt be considerate of thy patrons.
If your younger cousins are on facebook or heck, your parents, keep inappropriately intimate details of your life on the downlow. Learn to filter and untag like a sniper. Study those privacy settings like your personal bible.
#8. Thou shalt not neglect the existence of private messages.
If you feel the need to share something personal, remember that private messages still exist, and so does texting. Unless you’re asking for an audience to witness you and your boyfriend fighting, keep it private.
#9. Thou shalt not need to end every post with thy name.
We don’t mean any disrespect, it’s just that some people *cough* mothers *cough* can’t get the hang of posting a status or leaving a comment. Unless you’re logged on from someone else’s account, not every post needs a sign off. We know it’s you.
#10. Thou shalt remember that as thou judges, thou is also judged.
If you’ve been guilty of breaking any of these commandments, don’t worry — redemption is possible. After all, there’s space for everyone in social media heaven.