#1.
Wife: You pick dinner.
Me: Pizza.
Wife: No.
Me: Tacos.
Wife: No.
Me: Subs.
Wife: No.
Me: WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
Wife: It's up to you.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 22, 2016
#2.
*breaks toaster*
*calls husband*
"So. When did you break the toaster?!"
— ReeseButCallMeV (@ReeseButCallMeV) January 21, 2016
#3.
Know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved when first dating? After 20 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".
— 〰 Just Linda 〰 (@LindaInDisguise) May 11, 2013
#4.
https://twitter.com/MommaUnfiltered/status/625436238380707842?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw
#5.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I'm having an affair— Josh (@iwearaonesie) August 18, 2016
#6.
https://twitter.com/Phook75/status/794242706839109632
#7.
https://twitter.com/therealeatwood/status/802284927601545216
#8.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos— Grant Tanaka: Honky (@GrantTanaka) March 16, 2015
#9.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don't need a hedgehog. Long story short, we're picking it up on Thursday.
— ?ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ? (@3sunzzz) June 6, 2016
#10.
https://twitter.com/est1975blog/status/544578195098324993
#11.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
— Periwinkle Jones (@peachesanscream) June 10, 2014
#12.
Sorry. I was late because I had to find all the things that were in plain sight for my husband.
— Housy Wife (@wife_housy) July 17, 2015
#13.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
— Marl (@Marlebean) August 21, 2015
#14.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife's is around $643.27. Apparently
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) July 19, 2013
#15.
At least 10% of divorces can be avoided by buying bigger blankets
— X Alqee (@Xalqee) July 9, 2012
#16.
https://twitter.com/_troyjohnson/status/604040895344840706
#17.
https://twitter.com/ValeeGrrl/status/682055528311308288
#18.
I'm at the level of marriage where "getting lucky tonight" just means we're having tacos for dinner.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) July 27, 2015
#19.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 12, 2015
#20.
Me on deathbed: One last thing before I die?
Husband: *in tears* Yes?
M: Change the toilet paper roll
H: *pulls out my breathing tubes*— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) January 22, 2016