A Harvard researcher has shared a simple question you can ask your partner that could make a real difference to how connected you feel — and it’s easier than most people expect.
Once a relationship settles into day-to-day life, it’s normal to wonder what actually keeps both people feeling happy, supported, and close over time.
There’s no single fix for every couple, but consistently showing up for each other matters: protecting quality time, keeping affection alive, and paying attention to the small everyday gestures that help someone feel appreciated.
Harvard psychiatrist Dr Ashwini Nadkarni, an assistant professor at Harvard Medical School, has pointed to one specific question that can help couples get closer when they feel a bit out of sync.
“What makes you feel most loved?”
In an interview with Reader’s Digest, Dr Nadkarni explained that asking it can help partners understand what the other person truly needs — including the ways they prefer to give and receive love.
“It helps couples understand each other’s love languages, what each person needs to feel special and cared for,” she said.
Love languages describe the different forms affection can take, and the different signals people look for to feel cared about. Some people feel closest through physical touch — not only sex, but things like holding hands or cuddling — while others value actions that make life easier, such as doing a helpful task or cooking a favourite meal.
“In asking this, you’re learning what makes your partner feel truly noticed and secure.
“It gives you insight into those core areas that help someone feel valued.”
Even if you’ve been together for years, it’s easy to assume you already know the answer — but Dr Nadkarni noted that partners can still uncover new information about each other.
“Even couples who have been together for decades can discover new layers in their relationship,” she said.
That’s partly because people don’t stay the same. Over time, major shifts — like having children, changing work pressures, or dealing with health issues — can change what support looks like and what each person needs to feel loved.
So, while the question may sound deceptively straightforward, it can be a useful way to check in, start a meaningful conversation, and better understand each other — whether you’ve been together for a year or for many years.