Finding the right words for someone who is grieving can feel impossible.
Many people fall back on familiar phrases because they want to offer comfort, but it’s not always clear whether those lines actually help.
Even so, most agree it’s usually better to acknowledge the loss than to stay silent.
It’s also a common concern online: searches like “what to say after a death” and “what to say at a funeral” are popular, and Reddit threads frequently debate what people appreciated hearing—and what made things worse.
Now, one etiquette expert has said a widely used expression is actually one of the worst things you can say at a funeral, while suggesting alternatives that can come across as more supportive.
Etiquette expert Laura Winsor told Metro: ‘One of the worst things you can say at a funeral is “at least they went peacefully”.’
It’s a sentence people often reach for when trying to reassure someone—particularly when the person who died was elderly. But Winsor warns it can land the wrong way.
“Saying this can feel like it diminishes the real weight of those feelings of loss, disruption, grief and confrontation with morality for those who survive,” the expert told the publication.
She added that a funeral isn’t only about the death itself, but also about recognising what those left behind are experiencing.
There’s no perfect script, of course, but some approaches are more likely to feel sincere and supportive.
For example, some people worry that saying it’s “lovely to see you” at a funeral might sound inappropriate given the circumstances. Winsor suggests that, in many cases, it can be a good thing to say because it communicates presence and care.
That said, she notes the relationship matters—if you’re more of an acquaintance, it may not carry much meaning and could be better left unsaid.
Another line she supports is the classic apology for someone’s loss, which many people rely on when they aren’t sure what else to say.
Winsor also recommends making condolences more personal by adding something specific you appreciated about the person who died, which can help the message feel warmer and more real.
On Reddit, the question of what’s comforting to hear at a funeral comes up again and again, with many people sharing personal experiences of what helped most.
In one recent discussion, the original poster asked what “the most comfortable thing” was that someone had said to them during a funeral. The replies often pointed to the value of memories and specific stories.
“At my dad’s funeral last year, a couple of people said something like ‘It was always a good day when I got to spend time with your dad,’ or ‘I always looked forward to seeing him at the YMCA.’ Knowing that other people really enjoyed his company was kind of comforting,” wrote one poster, highlighting the importance of sharing personal anecdotes.
Another agreed: “My mom passed on 4/27. Nothing really comforted me, but it was nice to hear stories about my mom.”
A third, sharing their words of advice added: Avoid any comment that starts with ‘at least.’ The most comforting comment I heard after both of my parents died 9 days apart was, ‘I understand.’
“Sometimes touch is the best thing when you’re hurting.”