Your stomach is a predatory beast always in search of the next kill. No amount of nomming can satisfy the bottomless pit that is your appetite. How you even manage to get through the day is a mystery.
#1. Whatever the topic of conversation, you’re always gonna end up talking about food.
Conversations with you often go along these lines, “Did you hear that we’re moving to another office building?” “Wonderful! There’s a Krispy Kreme right next door!”
#2. You wonder what you’re going to have for dinner… while you’re eating your lunch.
It’s a disease.
#3. People have bribed you with food. Multiple times.
You’re easy, and you know it. You’re a cronut away from doing your friend’s taxes.
#4. You subconsciously associate people and events with food.
“Remember when we met her at that wedding two years ago?” “Oh yeah, the one that had a taco table and cheese fondue! Totally.”
#5. You turn into a swamp creature when you’re “hangry”.
People know not to get in your way when you’re having a serious case of the munchies.
#6. The only reason you work out is so you can eat more food.
Because you have goals. “A few more laps, and I can eat that pizza.”
#7. Food is a prerequisite for any event that asks for your presence.
You have been known to decline an invite to a non-eating event.
#8. Whole Foods is your personal version of heaven.
Or McDonald’s. Whatever floats your boat.
#9. You literally count the hours ’til your next meal… or snack.
You’re doing it now.
#10. You intimately know all the food places in your area.
The staff at your local burger joint know you by name. They see you and don’t even need to take your order anymore.
#11. You open your fridge door every five minutes, hoping something new has magically appeared.
*Opens door* Nope, still nothing. Repeat 10x.
#12. You offer food to be polite, but secretly wish you won’t be taken up on it.
You keep your bag of chips at arm’s length, just to be safe.
#13. You reward yourself with food…
Or… you reward yourself for not eating certain kinds of food, with food.
#14. … But you also drown yourself in food when you’re depressed.
You already failed at ignoring that cake. What’s another chocolate bar?
#15. You’re probably reaching for — or even munching on — something right now.
This is a safe space — you’re not being judged. Carry on.