Whether these are questions pounded at you by family members at the dinner table or some lovely elderly stranger who’s just really confused as to WTF is going on, you’re bound to run into these head scratchers. But don’t worry — we’re here to help you out.
#1. Why didn’t you repost my status? You need to keep your information safe, don’t let Facebook win!
“While I appreciate that you feel I have any information that would interest Facebook, let me explain to you my dear adultier adult what a hoax is.”
#2. So what is it exactly that you do?
“Basically, I’m just trying to survive capitalism. It seems like a good way to pass the time on our slow and steady march towards death.”
#3. No, really, are you employed? Are you working? Where do you work?
“My unpaid internship, numerous freelance projects and dog-walking services are just enough to help me afford data on my plan and uber for emergencies. I haven’t slept in 3 years, but hey, I’m liviiiiiiin’!”
#4. Why do you guys take so many selfies?
“Because we’re all dead inside, and it’s ridiculous how life-affirming a good selfie can be.”
#5. Why did you buy jeans with holes in them?!
“Um, why don’t you go and fix the holes in our economy, Robert!”
#6. What the heck does Netflix and chill mean?
“It’s our version of going to a drive-in movie, and… well, you know ;)”
#7. What’s a Snapchat?
“You know that stupid concept previous generations (not pointing any fingers) taught us that if some boy is being mean to a girl, that means they’re crushing on them? It’s like that, except instead of getting our hair tugged at recess, we get sent a dick pic that disappears faster than you can even measure how long (or short) it is. ”
#8. Wait… did you say dick pic?
“Yes, I did. In relation to Snapchat, a dick pick is like the Halley’s Comet. Only the comet is a penis.”
#9. Justin Bieber’s really grown, huh?
“YES JUSTIN WE HAVE FORGIVEN HIM FOR HIS SINS. #BELIEBER”
#10. Are you eating right?
“Absolutely. Getting my five-a-day from pizza, cold pizza, and Chinese take-out. That counts, right?”
#11. But you can cook…?
“If I had a better kitchen to cook in, maybe? All you really need to know is that I can microwave anything. ANYTHING.”
#12. What ever happened to that girl/guy you brought over for dinner?
“He/she dropped everything to go backpacking in Asia and pretty much just works from his/her laptop. He/she also teaches English as a second language, I heard. I wouldn’t know. He/she unfriended me on Facebook.”
#13. What are your plans for the future?
“To drop everything and go backpacking in Asia and work from my laptop. Maybe teach English as a second language… Hahaha, I’m kidding!”
#14. Okay, but where do you see yourself in 5 years?
“Financially stable and living happily with my five dogs. Hahah no, not kids. Dogs.”
#15. What music are you listening to these days?
“I’ll listen to almost anything at this point, honestly. Also, my playlists are categorised according to drugs — I mean, mood.”
#16. Where do you get all your music?
“Music-streaming apps and websites, usually. It’s like a personalised radio station, even has ads. If I find a really good song or album, I’ll probably buy it on iTunes or a vinyl of it from Urban Outfitters. Speaking of vinyl, do you still have any of your old ones?”
#17. How does a vape pen work?
“Like a cigarette, but with batteries. You put in oil that’s called juice, basically because it’s like smoking fruit and candy. *cough* Fancy, *cough* right? *cough*”
#18. You have insurance, don’t you?
“…I have a first aid kit?”
#19. What’s a Vine?
“It’s a social media platform that lets you upload 6-second loop videos. Yes, 6 seconds. Yes, you can actually get a whole video in that amount of time. And it’s pretty amazing.”
#20. Are you thinking about settling down and having kids anytime soon?
“Would you like to see pictures of my cat/s?”