If you find yourself typing “congratulations” under a couple’s engagement photos on social media, you might want to think again, according to a Washington, D.C.-based etiquette expert who argues that the common phrase carries problematic implications many people have never considered.
Etiquette expert Alison Cheperdak warns that congratulating newly engaged couples on their engagement is actually a faux pas, explaining that the word frames engagement as a necessary life achievement rather than an act of true love. The controversy has sparked heated online debate, with some people applauding the insight as revelatory while others dismiss it as overthinking basic human interaction.
“Saying ‘congratulations’ can imply that the engagement is an achievement,” Cheperdak told Jam Press. “As if one partner ‘won’ the other, rather than a mutual decision to build a life together.”
Cheperdak, who founded the etiquette coaching service Elevate Etiquette, explains the logic further in two-part videos she posted on her TikTok and Instagram profiles. Traditionally, she notes, etiquette dictated that congratulations were appropriate to offer to a groom but not to a bride. “To say congratulations to a bride was to express surprise that she found love,” she pointed out. The implication, she says, is transactional: that one partner is lucky to have “secured” the other, making marriage seem like a prize to be won rather than a loving partnership.
Watch on TikTok
“It can suggest that one person is lucky to have secured the other, which can feel transactional rather than a celebration of mutual love,” she said. She emphasizes that marriage is “not a task accomplished,” but rather a commitment to love.
“While getting married is significant, achievements are typically efforts that require skill or accomplishment, like a career milestone or completing a personal goal,” Cheperdak explained.
Instead, she suggests using alternative phrasing that expresses joy without the achievement-focused connotations. “I’m so happy for you both” or “best wishes” accomplish the same goal of showing enthusiasm and support, she argues.
“Express excitement without the connotations of congratulations,” Cheperdak advised. “Congratulations should be reserved for accomplishments such as graduating, landing a new job, or reaching a personal milestone—moments that reflect individual effort and growth—which will look different for different people.”
The response to Cheperdak’s perspective has been divided. Her TikTok series sparked a flurry of comments, with many users dismissing her argument as excessive nitpicking. “Hey! So this is crazy,” one critic wrote. Another commented, “I never in a million years would make the association that ‘Congratulations’ means ‘I didn’t think you’d do it.'” A third sarcastically quipped, “I don’t think it’s that deep.”
Some users, however, sided with Cheperdak’s view. One commenter wrote, “Yes! Always taught this. I always say ‘best wishes!'” A wedding photographer agreed, noting, “I’m a wedding photographer and I just say ‘Omg how exciting you must be over the moon.’ Something like that.”
The debate reflects broader conversations about engagement etiquette. Some etiquette experts, such as Pamela Eyring of the Protocol School of Washington, take a more inclusive stance. Eyring argues that wishing a newly engaged couple congratulations makes them feel special and supported, and that their authentic appreciation can be contagious to those around them.
Cheperdak’s position does draw on established etiquette history. She clarifies in her explanation that this issue has been part of formal etiquette guidance for years, grounded in the idea of treating both members of a couple equally and avoiding language that suggests marriage is a goal to be achieved rather than a mutual commitment. For those looking to navigate the etiquette minefield of engagement congratulations, the key takeaway may be to choose words that focus on the couple’s joy and the mutual nature of their decision rather than positioning engagement as an accomplishment.