#1. Poor monkey.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it's got anxiety
— my uncle jeremy licks is jn town (@jon_snow_420) October 28, 2015
#2. Is it really that easy?
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
— Erica (@SCbchbum) October 3, 2012
#3. Woah there, Gabi.
#4. We can all agree that kind of testing is great and should be photographed.
#5. 100% true.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) April 25, 2013
#6. Living the dream.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I'm late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
— Kate (@LadyBroseph) August 5, 2015
#7. All new moms should be told this.
Babies are like tattoos. They're yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they're not all gross looking.
— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) November 2, 2014
#8. Avocado pals.
*whispers to an avocado*
"I'm the good kind of fat, too."
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) April 25, 2014
#9. “Celery” is much snappier.
It's called "celery" because "cold, wet plant bones" takes too long.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) December 9, 2013
#10. That explains why we’re running around, terrified, clutching a bag of chips.
Being an adult is like losing your mom in a department store for years and years until you die.
— denise (@Stellacopter) March 23, 2016
#11. Wet t-shirt competition, right?
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
— Paige (@PeachCoffin) November 10, 2013
#12. This is a brilliant idea.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I'm in the bathroom. pic.twitter.com/IOo89Vypy7
— chelsea anét (@chelseaanet) March 16, 2014
#13. Seriously, dude.
FRIEND: A ton of people were at the party last night
ME: Thats only 14 people given an avg body wt of 136lbs
F: This is why u werent invited
— erin chack (@ErinChack) December 30, 2015
#14. Something we can all agree on.
"Dogs are assholes"
DOG PERSON: YOU'RE an asshole!
"Cats are assholes"
CAT PERSON: Yeah
— Mara Wilson (@MaraWilson) September 3, 2015
#15. Hey, good lookin’.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are pic.twitter.com/pN7JHLuQ7O
— ghost mom (@radtoria) December 1, 2015
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they'll show the dashboard panels, as though you'll be like ah. ah i see the issue
— tara shoe (@tarashoe) November 11, 2014
#17. And on the ninth day…
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don't know
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) January 15, 2015
#18. Apparently, they don’t.
do people who run know that we're not food anymore
— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) October 20, 2014
#19. Thank you for telling us what we really want to know.
#20. Us too.
#21. Maybe less, actually.
Robert Plant turned down $800m for a Zeppelin reunion. I would probably eat a battery for 20 bucks
— grace spelman (@GraceSpelman) March 28, 2015
#22. When you’re on a health kick.
#23. And then there’s this sad reality.
me: I have a bachelors degree
waiter: so do I
bus boy: so do I
rat feeding on crumbs under the table: hey me too
— erica what (@erica_rosie) February 21, 2016