Me: Get out of bed.
Me: Why do you fight me every single morning?
4: Because you never learn.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 24, 2016
4: Mommy, you're just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
4: Or the fat sea witch!
— Marl (@Marlebean) April 17, 2014
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn't wash my hands
— DaddyJew (@DaddyJew) June 9, 2015
dad: "come on, you guys are LATE!!!!"
11yo: "you should have started YELLING at us earlier!"
— dadmissions (@Dadmissions) June 30, 2016
Son: Mom you look like you're 20 …
Son: … thousand years old.
— Deva Dalporto (@mylifesuckers) July 11, 2016
10: Mom what's a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
— ?Sardonic Tart? (@SardonicTart) December 12, 2014
6yo: I don't like this cookie, it's too big
6yo: And the chocolate chips are too big
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) June 21, 2016
7yo: Why can't I have coffee?
Me: It'll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
— Salty Mermaid Entertainment (@saltymermaident) August 13, 2016
Me: We all make mistakes.
5: Even you?
5: Oh yeah! Like when you're trying to cook food that tastes good but then it doesn't?
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) April 15, 2016
6YR OLD: does it hurt, daddy?
ME: [with a tissue up my nose to stop the bleeding] yes
6: good…that'll teach you not to eat my ice cream
— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) August 17, 2016
*tries to be a good mom
*sets up craft time
*dumps out water
*pees in paint cup
*dips paintbrush in pee
*tries to paint with piss
— Salty Mermaid Entertainment (@saltymermaident) August 31, 2016
Me: Pick up your toys
6-year-old: *picks up a toy and sets it back down*
Me: I meant pick it up and put it away
6: I'm not a mind reader.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 11, 2016
6: Wanna play school with us?
Me: Sure, I could use a break from cleani-
6: Ok, you be the janitor.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) May 23, 2016
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN'T STRONG & HE'LL DIE SOON RIGHT
— sweatpants cher? (@House_Feminist) June 3, 2016
My cousin: [to my kids] omg you guys have grown so much! How old are you now?
6: What's your wifi password?
— Anna Grace (@graceupongracie) July 6, 2016