Many of us feel we should know everything about the person we’re dating, but one intimacy expert says going on a mission to uncover “red flags” from someone’s past can do more harm than good.
There’s a tricky balance in any relationship: learning enough about each other to feel secure, without turning your partner into a problem to be investigated.
For example, you probably don’t need every minor detail from their childhood or every awkward story from school. But bigger topics that affect your shared future—like whether you both want children, or how you feel about marriage—are important to discuss.
Lemon Meyer, an intimacy expert and Editorial Manager at Bloom Stories, argues that while openness matters, searching for “skeletons” can shift a relationship away from connection and toward suspicion.
Lemon explained: “Real intimacy is built on trust, not certainty. We like to think that when we’re in love, we know our partner better than anyone else. But the reality is, it’s impossible to know absolutely everything about someone — and you shouldn’t!
“It might sound strange, but this is what makes relationships work. Rather than constantly searching for skeletons in the closet, you have to trust. And in return, your partner has to trust you, too.”
She added that trust isn’t passive—it’s something you build through everyday choices and honest communication: “There are things you can do to strengthen this trust. Being honest about your wants and needs is important. So is having the hard conversations, even when you’d rather put them off. Being vulnerable with one another can strengthen intimacy and bring you closer together.
“But ultimately, being in love means accepting that you’ll never know someone completely, and trusting them all the same.”
When it comes to “red flags,” she suggests keeping perspective. Some warning signs are serious and should never be brushed aside—such as secrecy that undermines trust, manipulation like gaslighting, or any form of verbal or physical abuse.
But she also believes the current dating culture can encourage people to treat every minor flaw as a reason to walk away. As Lemon put it: “Modern dating has become so focused on hunting down every little warning sign or ‘ick’ that many of us can be too quick to write off relationships before we’ve even given them a chance. Nobody is perfect and everybody has a past.
“You’re not going to like every little thing about your partner, and that’s OK. Digging around for potential red flags in someone’s past only distracts you from building a meaningful connection in the present.”