Ever found yourself questioning whether you’re actually good in bed? Some experts say there are tell-tale behaviours that can hint at whether things are going well — or not.
In the UK, research compiled by Superdrug Online Doctor suggests a significant number of people aren’t happy with their sex lives, with one in five saying they feel unsatisfied.
The same data indicates that one in seven people don’t feel at ease voicing what they want sexually.
In the US, a study by the American Sexual Health Association reported that just 38 percent of Americans said they were satisfied with their sex lives.
So why do so many people feel like something is missing? It can come down to several factors, from poor communication and difficulty staying mentally present, to mismatched desire, rarely initiating sex, or brushing past foreplay.
You’ve likely heard the saying ‘you do you’ — but in the bedroom, that mindset can backfire.
Good sex isn’t meant to be a solo mission; it works best when both people feel engaged, valued, and satisfied, rather than one person getting what they want and then moving on like nothing happened.
Sex and relationship coach Gemma Nice, speaking on behalf of Superdrug Online Doctor, told the Metro that selfish lovers are typically people without a lack of empathy or struggle to read their partner’s cues.
To improve that, she recommends paying closer attention to the other person’s reactions — including facial expressions, noises and breathing — as this will ‘give you a better indication as to what they like when they are touched’.
Another common issue is skipping or rushing foreplay. While some couples treat that as normal, experts argue it often leaves one partner short-changed.
Couples counsellor and Lovehoney sexpert Annabelle Knight said it’s worth remembering that most women ‘need consistent clitoral stimulation and plenty of build-up to feel satisfied’.
As for timing, previous guidance has suggested that around 15–20 minutes of foreplay can be a helpful benchmark.
Gemma also noted that foreplay doesn’t start a minute before sex — it can be an ongoing dynamic that ‘begins the second you finish your last sex session’ through flirting, teasing, and building anticipation between encounters.
Staying mentally present during intimacy is another hurdle many people run into — especially when stress, insecurity, or distractions creep in.
Dr Lori Beth Bisbey warned that ‘great sex requires all parties to be present, connected and focused on each other and what they are doing’.
Her suggestion is to anchor your attention to a specific sensation — like what you can hear or feel — and keep returning to that “anchor” whenever your mind starts to drift.
If you’re also finding that your partner rarely initiates sex, Annabelle suggests addressing it directly. It doesn’t automatically mean you’re “bad” at sex, but it may signal that something in the dynamic needs attention.
“Have a gentle conversation,” she said. “Try something new. Switch up the routine. Toys, lube or outfits can help spice things up, if you haven’t already tried them. Shared enthusiasm is the sexiest ingredient.”