Okay, three things. First of all: we truly are an amazing race forĀ achieving such great culinary heights. Second: despite breaking that glass ceiling of food science, it’s a miracle that we as a species haven’t died out sooner from all the crap (we’re looking at you, deep fried offenders) that we put in our mouths. And third: no one’s even mad about any of this stuff, just, confused. Very, very confused…
#1. Coffee??
Is the goal here to make it even MORE American?
#2. Sugar cubes… okay?
As if blocks of sugar weren’t bad enough for you already.
#3. Instant ramen??
There are some things you can keep on improving and improving, but the original will always be the best. This is one of those things.
#4. A freaking deep fried Slim Fast bar? For real?
Does this instruction come on the packet, saying “for a cheat day treat, deep fry this sh*t up!”??? Well? Does it??
#5. Watermelon slices. Why?
The day this was made was the same day Mother Earth gave up on us.
#6. Pineapples? Really??
Haven’t the watermelons suffered enough for all fruit-kind??
#7. Cereal? Deep fried? Really?
Oh yes, while having sugary cereal for breakfast, why not throw in a chance of a heart attack along with diabetes?
#8. A whole. Freaking. Big. Mac.
Delicious or disgusting? …Deligusting?
#9. Bubblegum???
No š
#10. Butter?? How?????
*swats America on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper*
#11. Soda????? What?????
???????????!!!!!!!!!!?!?!?!????
#12. Cheesecake? No. Just. No.
#13. Avocados. Because they weren’t fatty enough.
That was sarcasm in case you missed it.
After all that, can we pleaseĀ make a pact to stop messing with perfectly good food? The Golden Girls all disapprove of this.