doc: "your dad's been in a coma for 9 days, we're running out of ideas"
me: "let me try" [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
— k e e t 🐤🥔 (@KeetPotato) July 13, 2015
"This bouncy castle is twice the price of last year"
Please no dad
"..Inflation for you"
*kids start crying*
— Jazmasta (@jazmasta) July 11, 2015
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DAD: *nods his approval*
— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) April 21, 2016
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
— joegarbe (@gojarbe) September 5, 2015
"Welcome to Dad Party! Give it up for our host, DJ Mad Skillz!"
[grabs mic] I'M NOT MAD SKILLZ JUST DISAPPOINTED SKILLZ
*dads go nuts*
— Terry F (@daemonic3) June 5, 2015
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he's-
Son: Dad please don't…
Dad: Lawn gone.
— Mostly AFK Bice (@Pro_Jones_) September 24, 2015
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad? pic.twitter.com/jodNw0Iom1
— Mark Agee (@MarkAgee) October 3, 2014
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
— EJ Gomez (@EJGomez) April 5, 2016
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He's almost finished.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 9, 2016
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
— a skeleton head (@Death_Buddy) January 18, 2015
"Dad, I cant sleep."
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
"Dad Im seven-"
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
— Hoppers (@FrogAvalanche) December 6, 2014
"We can't put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes"
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) February 15, 2016
U-HAUL, may I help you?
"You have any moving boxes?"
No all our boxes stay still
"Well you better go- wait what?"
Stop calling here, Dad
— Terry F (@daemonic3) February 10, 2016