#1.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i'll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts— jonny sun (@jonnysun) July 5, 2016
#2.
Do I just call you or should we resolve this quickly with 200 text messages?
— Sandra (@Sanbel11) June 15, 2016
#3.
I love how companies advertise "No Payments Until 2018" like I'm going to have extra money in two years.
— Eeric (@ericsshadow) July 27, 2016
#4.
Hey people who have to taste ice cream before they buy it, here's a tip. It's good. It's all fucking good.
— Mike Bianchi (@Mike_Bianchi) August 8, 2016
#5.
https://twitter.com/girlontapas/status/764039597567447040
#6.
*At work for 20 minutes*
"OMG this day is dragging."
— ?Sardonic Tart? (@SardonicTart) August 18, 2016
#7.
Have a crush on someone? Throw your phone away!
— amalia (@mollysoda) July 1, 2016
#8.
"Shhh!"
– me, drunk, to the pots and pans that just fell out of the cabinet
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) August 27, 2016
#9.
*opens recipe*
"1. preheat oven to–"
*closes recipe*— jonny sun (@jonnysun) September 2, 2016
#10.
Ever think you know where everything goes in the kitchen but then learn you don’t know the difference between a strainer and a colander?
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) September 5, 2016
#11.
[I send a message]
Lol I am so funny and clever
[45 seconds without response]
God dammit what have I done?— jess (retired) (@jessokfine) January 12, 2016
#12.
Remember when you'd be staying at a friend's house & you'd wake up before them & wouldn't know what to do? That's how my whole life feels
— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) October 27, 2015
#13.
Just walked by the place I had brunch last weekend and one of my friends is still sitting there talking about herself
— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) October 22, 2015
#14.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
— Eeric (@ericsshadow) September 2, 2016
#15.
when someone is looking for something i help by saying "it's gotta be around here somewhere"
— weedchainsaw (@tuckonthis) July 21, 2015
#16.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You've made a powerful enemy today, baby— Timmy™ (@TheTimmyToes) May 23, 2015
#17.
[7:00 AM in bed]
*closes eyes for a bit*
*Opens eyes*
8:15am
Oh hell[1:00pm @ work]
*closes eyes for a bit*
*Opens eyes*
12:55pm
WTF— Tim (@Playing_Dad) May 20, 2015
#18.
Me: I'd invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That's OK. I don't mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don't be silly
M: I don't want u in my house— mo (@chuuew) November 7, 2015