ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i'll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
— jonny sun (@jonnysun) July 5, 2016
Do I just call you or should we resolve this quickly with 200 text messages?
— Sandra (@Sanbel11) June 15, 2016
I love how companies advertise "No Payments Until 2018" like I'm going to have extra money in two years.
— eric (@ericsshadow) July 27, 2016
Hey people who have to taste ice cream before they buy it, here's a tip. It's good. It's all fucking good.
— Mike Bianchi (@Mike_Bianchi) August 8, 2016
1. Wear Fitbit
2. Pack gym clothes
3. Pack salad
4. Go to work
5. Eat donut
6. Go out for lunch
7. Skip gym
Rinse and Repeat.
— Girl On Tapas 💚 (@girlontapas) August 12, 2016
*At work for 20 minutes*
"OMG this day is dragging."
— 🌴Sardonic Tart🌴 (@SardonicTart) August 18, 2016
Have a crush on someone? Throw your phone away!
— amalia (@mollysoda) July 1, 2016
– me, drunk, to the pots and pans that just fell out of the cabinet
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) August 27, 2016
"1. preheat oven to–"
— jonny sun (@jonnysun) September 2, 2016
Ever think you know where everything goes in the kitchen but then learn you don’t know the difference between a strainer and a colander?
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) September 5, 2016
[I send a message]
Lol I am so funny and clever
[45 seconds without response]
God dammit what have I done?
— jess (retired) (@jessokfine) January 12, 2016
Remember when you'd be staying at a friend's house & you'd wake up before them & wouldn't know what to do? That's how my whole life feels
— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) October 27, 2015
Just walked by the place I had brunch last weekend and one of my friends is still sitting there talking about herself
— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) October 22, 2015
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
— eric (@ericsshadow) September 2, 2016
when someone is looking for something i help by saying "it's gotta be around here somewhere"
— weedchainsaw (@tuckonthis) July 21, 2015
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You've made a powerful enemy today, baby
— Timmy™ (@TheTimmyToes) May 23, 2015
[7:00 AM in bed]
*closes eyes for a bit*
[1:00pm @ work]
*closes eyes for a bit*
— Tim (@Playing_Dad) May 20, 2015
Me: I'd invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That's OK. I don't mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don't be silly
M: I don't want u in my house
— mo (@chuuew) November 7, 2015