A sex expert has cautioned individuals who engage in a certain fantasy, one that over half of married people have confessed to having.
While everyone has unique preferences in the bedroom, there is a particular scenario that might indicate underlying issues in your current relationship.
Engaging in ‘solo time’ is a normal part of life, especially when working for a company that implements designated masturbation breaks.
However, if your thoughts often wander towards intimate moments with an ex-partner, it could be cause for concern. Then again, it might not be; it all depends on the context.
A study conducted by Illicit Encounters revealed that 55 percent of married individuals have fantasized about their ex.
Anita Fletcher, a sex and relationships expert with Fantasy Dildo Co, a company known for crafting custom adult toys, states that while this scenario is more prevalent than many assume, it can also indicate deeper issues.
“The shame around ex fantasies is completely unnecessary,” Fletcher explained. “Our minds don’t operate on a strict timeline when it comes to desire and memory.”
Fletcher provides insight into the psychological reasons why exes appear in our intimate thoughts.
“Our brains are wired to hold onto intense experiences, and sexual memories with past partners often fall into this category,” she said. “It doesn’t necessarily mean you want them back, but rather it’s about accessing familiar feelings of desire and pleasure.”
This can be likened to ‘muscle memory’ for our imagination. The fantasy may be more about feeling desired or recalling a time of sexual confidence rather than the person themselves.
“Often people aren’t really fantasizing about their ex, but how they felt about themselves during that relationship,” Fletcher clarified.
It is also common if the fantasy revolves around specific acts or scenarios instead of emotional involvement.
“Physical memories can be completely separate from romantic feelings,” she added.
Nonetheless, Fletcher stresses the importance of distinguishing between using ex fantasies as a tool and being emotionally fixated.
Reflecting on an ex during solo moments can be normal, but persistent comparisons to a current partner often indicate issues.
“Problematic patterns involve obsession, comparison or inability to be present with current partners,” she warned. “If ex fantasies are your only reliable way to climax, or if they’re interfering with your ability to connect with new partners, it might be time to explore what’s underneath.”
It becomes concerning if these fantasies result in sadness, longing, or emotional disturbance afterwards.
“Healthy fantasy should improve your mood, not complicate it,” she noted.
In some instances, these fantasies can be used to gain insights that enhance one’s sex life.
Fletcher proposes changing fantasy patterns by ‘expanding your imaginative repertoire’, suggesting: “Try focusing on scenarios, sensations, or even fictional characters rather than specific people from your past.”
She also advocates for mindfulness during masturbation.
“Pay attention to your body’s responses and the present moment. This can help you discover what you truly enjoy beyond familiar mental scripts,” the expert said.
Lastly, Fletcher advises reinterpreting the experience: “Instead of feeling guilty about ex fantasies, use them as information about what you find appealing. Then you can communicate those preferences to future partners.”
Fletcher offers this guidance: “I encourage people to view their fantasy life as a window into their deeper needs and desires. Maybe that ex fantasy isn’t really about wanting them back.
“It might involve missing the confidence you felt, or the specific way they made you feel desired. Once you identify what you’re actually craving, you can pursue it in healthier ways.
“Fantasy should serve your growth, not keep you stuck in the past.”