A relationship expert has identified certain phrases that should be avoided in conversations with your partner.
In relationships, it’s generally understood that some comments are better left unsaid to maintain a healthy bond with your partner.
Statements like ‘you look nice for a change’ or ‘you sound just like your mom’ are examples of phrases to steer clear of if the goal is a loving and enduring relationship.
Devaluing your partner or diminishing their achievements signals major issues—loving someone means being a supportive partner during challenging times and rejoicing in their successes.
However, a relationship specialist has pointed out phrases that, while not as obviously harmful, can still be damaging.
In an article for Psychology Today, psychologist Jeffrey Bernstein discusses how easy it is for people to take things for granted, including in intimate relationships, leading to a loss of appreciation for their partner’s unique qualities.
“Following are some observations I often make in couples that come to see me for couples counselling, specifically related to letting their guard down and treating each other poorly,” Bernstein noted.
Let’s explore these further.
This phrase trivializes someone’s feelings in response to a situation, invalidating what may be a justifiable reaction to something distressing or unpleasant.
Bernstein highlighted that this is sometimes coupled with ‘stonewalling’, where a person becomes emotionally distant.
“Given that the hallmark of any healthy relationship is the ability to have calm, constructive conversations, stonewalling does not bode well for any relationship’s future,” he commented.
‘Gaslighting’ is a term often misused online, and it involves convincing someone that they’re irrational or imagining things.
In relationships, it’s a method of manipulation used to dismiss issues or make someone believe there’s no issue, such as telling them they’re ‘overreacting’.
Bernstein recounted the story of a couple he referred to as ‘Lisa’ and ‘Aaron’, where ‘you’re overreacting’ became a recurring phrase.
He explained: “She said, ‘In the earlier days, Aaron would tell me he was crazy about me, but in the last couple of years, all he does is tell me I’m crazy when I try to talk to him about important things in our relationship’.
“A few months later, I received a crisis call from Aaron, whom I had only met once. Aaron begged to come in with Lisa. Lisa begrudgingly agreed to the session.
“She was ice cold to Aaron as he lay outstretched on the floor in my office. Lisa was resolute, ‘I’m done!’. Their relationship was over.”
This again touches on the theme of dismissing someone’s emotions or feelings instead of acknowledging them and attempting to address the issue.
While a problem might not seem significant to one partner, it could be crucial for the other, potentially leading them to feel ignored or undervalued.
Bernstein also mentioned that ‘keeping score’ of grievances can be harmful, as it often results in ‘tallies’.
He stated: “Being wedded to a mental tally of things like who apologised last, initiated intimacy, or picked up around the house breeds resentment and power struggles.”