#1. Never leave an umbrella open to dry indoors.
You’re supposed to fold it up and leave it in an umbrella stand or, if you’re some kind of peasant who doesn’t have a stand, hang it on a hook.
#2. Never put a handbag on your lap or on a chair.
Apparently it’s okay for small clutch bags to go on a table, but handbags should be hung on the back of a chair or on the floor. Briefcases always belong on the floor (sorry briefcases).
#3. The most prestigious seat in a car is behind the driver.
So there’s really no point calling shotgun.
#4. Never visit someone without calling first.
They might not be prepared to entertain, dahling.
#5. Never use a plastic bag.
Unless you’re coming back from the supermarket and just *had* to use one. And never use them as handbags (does anyone do that?)
#6. It’s bad manners to talk about being on a diet (or even refuse food because of one).
Apparently you should just pretend to eat and enjoy whatever your host offers, although we have to draw the line at hospitalizing yourself because you’re so polite you didn’t mention that severe nut allergy.
#7. In the theater you should make your way to your seat facing the people already sitting down.
So instead of getting a face-full of your behind, they get a face-full of your, er, front.
#8. The only slob-out clothes allowed are pants and a sweater.
Pajamas or bathrobes should only be worn from the bathroom to the bedroom in the morning and evening. Who cares if you’ve got flu? Mind your manners.
#9. Never act over-familiar with people you’ve just met.
In fact, you should treat close friends and family members with a level of disdain and stand-offishness in all formal situations.
#11. Always knock before entering a child’s room.
The idea is that this encourages children to do the same when entering your room, but whoever came up with these rules has clearly never met a human under the age of 10.
#12. If you invite someone to a restaurant, you’re paying.
And if they dare insult you by suggesting to split the bill, wrestle them to the ground and put them in a headlock until they give up. Maybe.
#13. Make a secret of your age, wealth, disputes, religion, medical history, love life, triumphs and failures.
Never let anyone know anything about you. You can talk about the weather and that’s it, really.
#14. A woman may wear a hat and gloves indoors.
But under absolutely no circumstances (not even a nuclear winter) may she wear a cap and mittens inside. Shudder.
Other rules include: A bracelet may be worn over gloves, but not a ring and, the closer you get to the evening, the more expensive your jewellery should be. Better start counting buttons if you want to wear that diamond tiara.
#16. Gossiping is unacceptable.
A proper lady never speaks ill of those who aren’t present, don’t you know. And you can’t say anything bad about your native country.
#17. You shouldn’t talk about politics, religion, health or money, either.
If someone asks how much your dress cost, you should lie through your teeth and say it was a gift and then resume sitting in silence.
#18. And the person who first exits an elevator should be the one closest to the door.
That’s just common sense.