#1. This GMO? OMG! moment.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
— Todd 'Papi' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) March 19, 2016
#2. This person who got overly attached.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
— Turd Ferguson (@generaldietz) October 9, 2015
#3. This guy who wants his grammar to be spot on.
#4. This subtle attack.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
— Joseph Scrimshaw (@JosephScrimshaw) March 10, 2015
#5. This financial imbalance.
accountant: "youre basically broke"
wife: "he keeps spending money on stupid stuff"
me: "lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid"
— k e i t h 🐤🥔 (@KeetPotato) October 27, 2015
#6. This moment that we hope really happened.
#7. These unhappy newlyweds.
#8. This troublemaker.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
— sweaty five dollars (@iscoff) January 7, 2015
#9. Wait, what?
People often ask me, "Patrick, I don't like you."
— Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) December 17, 2013
#10. This polite guy.
#11. This smart defendant.
Yes, judge I do have something to say. If you truly are what you eat then I am an innocent man. Thank you.
— Truckstop Vigilante (@BRENTHOR) December 18, 2014
#12. This broken home.
I was raised as an only child. My siblings took it pretty hard
— 🇺🇸Frank Whítehouse 🇺🇸 (@WheelTod) April 16, 2016
#13. This magical tale.
genie: "thats definitely your last wish?"
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] "yes"
our dog: "how can i talk all of a sudden?"
— k e i t h 🐤🥔 (@KeetPotato) January 29, 2016
#14. This awkward moment.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
— Mike Ginn (@shutupmikeginn) March 29, 2015
#15. This 100% accurate story.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
— joeg (@gojarbe) September 5, 2015
#16. This confused student.
[high school sex ed class]
TEACHER: any questions
ME: is it true a penis is just an inside out vagina
TEACHER: Brandon ur 32 why are u here
— Brandon the Cow (@Brampersandon_) March 7, 2016
#17. This skilled lothario.
Her: when you said "magical in bed" this isn't exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
— derek.eth (@ProdigyNelson) January 17, 2016
#18. And this classic dad joke.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
*Gets down on one knee*
Help my knee is made of magnets
— GoaT FacE (@EndhooS) January 10, 2014