A sex therapist has shed light on why men often seem to lose interest in sexual activities with their partners.
If you find yourself in a situation where your partner appears to be less inclined towards intimacy, you might be left wondering about the reasons behind it. Is it his issue? Is it something about you? Can this situation be turned around?
According to Dr Stephen Snyder, a New York-based sex therapist who has worked with over 3,000 couples, a frequent issue among long-term couples is men avoiding sexual interactions.
The root of this problem could lie in the seven reasons that Dr Snyder outlines in his book, “Love Worth Making: How To Have Ridiculously Great Sex In A Long-Lasting Relationship,” shared with MailOnline.
So, what leads men to disengage from sex in long-term partnerships?
Dr Snyder points out that men enjoy when women smile at them, particularly during the early phases of a relationship. This smile acts as a ‘green light’ for men to move forward sexually with their partner.
However, issues can develop when men witness their partner’s unhappiness for the first time. This traces back to an important developmental stage most boys experience around age three, where they push their mothers away.
“The initial step towards becoming a man involves disconnecting both emotionally and, to some extent, physically,” Dr Snyder explains.
“A man fears seeing a woman look disappointed with him. Subconsciously, it reminds him of when his mother was displeased and how helpless that made him feel.”
This triggers emotional withdrawal in men, which can upset women and make the idea of sex seem increasingly distant, instigating a fear of emotional abandonment in women.
Referring back to the primary reason, Dr Snyder suggests women communicate with their male partners, saying: “Look, there will be times you’ll see me upset and disappointed. When that happens, don’t panic. Trust me, everything will be okay.
“We women handle such situations regularly. Just don’t emotionally retreat, as that will make me really angry.”
Women tend to have more ‘active’, ‘perceptive’, and ‘aware’ minds, while men’s attention is often more limited and selective, potentially leading to conflicting interests.
Dr Snyder points out that culturally, men are expected to be the active partners and bring ‘excitement and variety to sex’.
While many can achieve this during the initial stages, it’s improbable that a man will consistently find new ways to ensure sex feels ‘newly pleasurable’.
He notes that women generally have a ‘greater capacity for pleasure’ than their male partners.
Despite the constant emphasis on men focusing on pleasing their female partners, this ironically results in uninspired sex.
“A crucial aspect of fulfilling love-making is recognizing that your partner enjoys you.”
Engage in moments of excitement, even when sex is not guaranteed. Some men tend to avoid activities unless sex is assured, and women sometimes steer clear of actions that might arouse their husbands.
It’s perfectly acceptable to not proceed with full-on sex even if the male partner becomes aroused.
“The most important lesson I can impart to a woman is that an erection doesn’t need to culminate in an orgasm,” he remarked.
“The happiest couples make an effort to relish small moments of erotic excitement, even when they’re not planning on having sex.
“In sex therapy, we refer to this as ‘simmering’ – enjoying a moment of feeling connected just for its own sake.”
Simmering can involve actions like holding hands, gently stroking each other’s hair, or sharing a kiss.
Sometimes, partners may feel that sex is just a routine, without genuine enjoyment.
Dr Snyder clarifies that the essence of sex is to make you feel good about yourself.
“I advise couples that an orgasm should be like a delectable dessert. It’s a nice conclusion to a meal, but who starts a three-course dinner only focused on dessert?”
Even with busy schedules, scheduling sex might not be the answer, according to the expert.
“Desire isn’t that predictable. It’s unlike dinner, where if you haven’t eaten by 7pm, you’ll definitely be hungry.”