#1.
Parenting Level: Approving my kids' friends based on which parents I think would drink wine with me during playdates.
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) May 7, 2015
#2.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she's either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 14, 2014
#3.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
— Marl (@Marlebean) September 16, 2014
#4.
https://twitter.com/Gooooats/status/376466616130621440
#5.
It's a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
— inappropriate mom (@nicfit75) July 17, 2012
#6.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) April 22, 2014
#7.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What's mom gonna be?
me: Mad— Josh (@iwearaonesie) October 14, 2014
#8.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
— Cuppy (@runawaycupcake) January 25, 2013
#9.
Who needs an alarm clock when you're toddler is such an unbelievable asshole?
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) October 12, 2012
#10.
Parents that hover while their kids play at the park… Get a twitter account and sit down.
— Jen Good (@buriedwithkids) August 8, 2013
#11.
I'm gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) February 16, 2016
#12.
You made your kid a gluten-free Pikachu-shaped pancake for breakfast?
My son had a Lunchables b/c "that's what fell out of the fridge."
— Mom Psychologist (@mompsychologist) July 21, 2016
#13.
Toddlers are much easier to keep track of when bells are tied to them. #parentinggoals
— Hayley Pugh (@pewpewlaserguns) July 20, 2016
#14.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) July 19, 2014
#15.
My third grader has a new homework difficulty ranking system:
"Mommy, my math homework tonight might make you say one bad word."— Mommy, for real. (@MommyisForReal) February 18, 2015
#16.
Kindergarten concert Friday. Shopping for ear plugs today. #parenting #parentingtruth
— Sarcastic Mom of 2 (@ParentSafeZone) May 18, 2016
#17.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he'd stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
— Master of Mediocrity (@charliedelta7) June 12, 2016
#18.
My wife just stopped me doing yard work and said "don't do that, we can make the kids do it". #parentinggoals #finally
— Rob to the max™️ (@robcopeland) June 25, 2016