I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is "down for the count." I don't care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who's winning.
— kim (@KimmyMonte) June 9, 2014
Tattoo idea: two monarch butterflies carrying a meatball sub
— jordan (she/her) (@NurseMurderer) November 26, 2013
friend: how are things?
me: things are good!
narrator: things were not good
— keely flaherty (@keelyflaherty) August 25, 2016
facebook: hello have a great friday everyone 🙂
twitter: i want 2 fuck jeff goldblum and then kill myself
— Deirdre (@figgled) July 29, 2016
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You're free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
— Hi, it's Abby. Yep (@abbycohenwl) February 15, 2015
What they say:
Hi I'm Brandon. This is Liz and Steven.
What I remember:
Hi I'm BLERPBLAP. This is GLAUNGH and CRAIG or maybe GREG.
— Ariel Dumas (@ArielDumas) March 29, 2016
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
— alexa (@TheWoodenslurpy) June 9, 2016
FAKE BREEDS I'VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) July 24, 2013
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
— rachelle mandik 🕳 (@rachelle_mandik) January 21, 2016
*backflips out of bushes*
can I pet your dog
— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) March 18, 2015
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don't do this.it's a rhombus. u don't care
— Beth McColl (@imteddybless) March 4, 2014
No fucking way will I choose the shopping cart that someone left a piece of paper in.
— denise (@Stellacopter) April 16, 2013
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) February 28, 2014
Many said I couldn't crossbreed peacocks and flamingos. Yet, I stand here today with my beloved flamingcocks as an inspiration to our youth.
— Kate (@LadyBroseph) June 10, 2014
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
— tara shoe (@tarashoe) July 13, 2015
My little sister's pre-language infancy was spent ardently yet fruitlessly trying to describe a spicy meatball pic.twitter.com/OL4AKpltre
— Thing Bad (@Merman_Melville) July 23, 2016
The worst thing about being an adult & not a kid is that no one stands behind you when you're being an asshole mouthing "she's just hungry."
— maura quint (@behindyourback) January 16, 2016
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I'm crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I'm listening to the Lion King soundtrack
— Summer Ray (@SummerRay) February 13, 2015
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I'm like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
— jess (retired) (@jessokfine) April 5, 2016
My enemies are gonna be so sorry if I ever get out of this bean bag chair.
— beth, an alien (@bourgeoisalien) July 10, 2015