A woman who has been in a polyamorous relationship with her husband for over a decade has shared insights into the ‘strict rules’ they adhere to.
Danielle, originally from a monogamous background in a small Texas town, now leads a life vastly different from what she once imagined.
Now 41, Danielle has been married to her British husband for 12 years. Their journey together has included traveling and living in various countries after their meaningful encounter in Holland. For more than ten years, they have embraced polyamory, allowing them both to date and even fall in love with others while maintaining their marriage.
Reaching this point wasn’t without challenges, as it involved a period of ‘trial and error’ to devise what Danielle describes as ‘relationship rules that felt like ours.’
Their open-minded approach to relationships began just months into their union. Although Danielle initially felt ‘hurt’ and ‘confused’ when her boyfriend suggested the idea, her curiosity and willingness to explore led her to give it a chance.
Over the next two years, they dedicated themselves to studying and adjusting boundaries, and now, 15 years later, they seem to have mastered the dynamics of their relationship.
Contrary to common misconceptions about polyamorous relationships being devoid of rules, Danielle clarifies that this is not the case.
“Our earliest rules revolved around safety, STIs, testing, and condom usage… Getting the basics sorted!” she explained. Another crucial rule is about communication.
Effective communication is essential in any relationship, and open relationships are no exception.
Danielle, who also provides polyamory courses, elaborated: “We established very strict rules regarding how, what, and when we communicated.
“If I met someone, I informed him beforehand. If he did, he would tell me 48 hours later.
“During the first two years, we learned that I preferred details after the fact, while he needed to know I was safe without further details.”
Another rule is the ‘messy list’ — a clear prohibition on dating certain individuals to avoid complications.
“We ruled out colleagues, siblings, and friends. Some exclusions seemed obvious, but initially, they weren’t. We also vetoed specific individuals,” Danielle shared.
“Friends remain off-limits, as do parents of our kids’ friends — they’re completely non-negotiable.”
“We avoid dating within our local community to prevent issues related to our kids,” she noted, highlighting how romantic involvement could disrupt tight-knit communities.
Interestingly, Danielle mentions they no longer need such stringent rules as much since they are deeply ingrained in their agreement.
However, challenges have occurred, such as when Danielle went through a chaotic phase, juggling multiple partners and activities.
This period led her husband to request a move to monogamy, marking a time of personal growth.
“We’ve been doing this for a long time and know each other well,” she continued. “Our relationship is stable, and our foundation is strong. We’re mindful of our and others’ feelings, ensuring everyone is treated with respect.”
Lastly, Danielle emphasized their privacy rules, distinct from secrecy.
“We maintain privacy in relationships outside our marriage but don’t keep secrets from each other,” she stated.
This includes sharing dating stories and advice with their partners outside the marriage.
Danielle expresses her love for their open relationship due to its ‘pure fun’ nature.
“I’m fortunate to say dating outside my marriage is enjoyable. My husband and I have weekly date nights and grant each other one night of freedom weekly.
“We can choose to date, attend a drawing class, or join a sailing team — it’s all about freedom.”
Additionally, she appreciates experiencing ‘many different types of love.’
“I believe it enriches my life. Ultimately, I feel I have more freedom because of my marriage, enhancing my capacity to love and live fully.”