2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there's always next year
— John Carpenter’s The Alex Nevil (@TheAlexNevil) January 4, 2017
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can't go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) August 16, 2016
My son was crying and asked, "why doesn't the dog have to wear pants?" And it's like, I don't even know. So now I'm putting pants on a dog.
— Ally (@TragicAllyHere) September 30, 2016
Parents: "If only there were a manual for this."
Also parents: "How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit."
— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) January 1, 2017
wife: Let's fool around after the kids go to bed
narrator: But they never did fool around
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) January 2, 2017
I'm coaching my son's soccer team because it's important that he knows I'll swear at other kids, too.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) April 13, 2015
my 10yr old is doing laundry & I'm truly proud of her but also on the verge of a panic attack because she's folding my shirts the wrong way
— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) January 2, 2017
"I just think it's weird that you have so much white hair. That's kind of a grandma thing."
-7yo, and current least favorite child
— Amy Flory (@FunnyIsFamily) June 29, 2016
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
— EricaTriesToTweet (@EricaWhoToYou) June 10, 2016
Someone drew doughnuts on the bottom of the grocery list
My wife thought it was cute so she bought them
She doesn't need to know it was me pic.twitter.com/qmdoCc9sDO
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 5, 2016
IF YOU KIDS DON'T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) May 21, 2016
My son just asked me if cats can have babies when they aren't married and I told him yes, but I honestly don't know.
— elizabeth (@Elizasoul80) March 1, 2016
My kids wanted a karaoke machine for Christmas-little did I know it would be for yelling in the mic "CAN WE HAVE A SNACK" when I'm upstairs.
— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) January 27, 2016
[building a snowman with my kids]
Me: Ok, who wants to put the arms in?
Kids: *went inside 2 hours ago to play video games*
— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) February 2, 2015
7yo: Daddy, have some pee juice!
*throws cup full of liquid at me
7yo: It wasn't really pee
Me: Thank you
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) October 22, 2016
A parenting rite of passage is getting caught throwing away Happy Meal toys as they sing from their grave bc you didn't turn the sound off.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) October 15, 2016
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) March 21, 2016
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) August 16, 2016
Why I should accomplish all my goals today:
1) I'm motivated.
2) I'm ambitious.
3) I planned ahead.
Why I won’t:
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 8, 2017