2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there's always next year
— I Would Meh 4 U (@TheAlexNevil) January 4, 2017
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can't go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) August 16, 2016
My son was crying and asked, "why doesn't the dog have to wear pants?" And it's like, I don't even know. So now I'm putting pants on a dog.
— Tragic Ally (@TragicAllyHere) September 30, 2016
Parents: "If only there were a manual for this."
Also parents: "How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit."
— Ramblin' Mama (@ramblinma) January 1, 2017
wife: Let's fool around after the kids go to bed
narrator: But they never did fool around
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) January 2, 2017
I'm coaching my son's soccer team because it's important that he knows I'll swear at other kids, too.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) April 13, 2015
"I want a snack." – my kids, while they're eating
— Ashley Austrew (@ashleyaustrew) April 25, 2016
my 10yr old is doing laundry & I'm truly proud of her but also on the verge of a panic attack because she's folding my shirts the wrong way
— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) January 2, 2017
"I just think it's weird that you have so much white hair. That's kind of a grandma thing."
-7yo, and current least favorite child
— Amy Flory (@FunnyIsFamily) June 29, 2016
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
— EricaTriesToTweet (@SteussieErica) June 10, 2016