#1. You should be aware of your right to remain silent: everything you do can and will be used against you.
You singing to Taylor Swift in the shower is perfect cannon fodder. That time you made her wait for two hours at the restaurant? Expect underhanded mud slinging for months. Or forever.
#2. Messing with you is her way of showing affection.
Yes, she calls you a jerk, but not without a smirk and a bear hug afterwards. No, this isn’t weird at all.
#3. Her manner of complimenting isn’t what you would call ‘normal’.
You’ll receive a lot of compliments… buried beneath a thick layer of insults: “You’re actually pretty cute in this lighting,” or, “Let’s hang out, I don’t have anything better to do anyway.”
#4. You should dish back some witty quips yourself.
Don’t be afraid to roll a few. Sarcastic people are used to being the funniest in the room. She’ll love the competition.
#5. You will get used to reactions like this.
The slow hand clap technique, paired with the dead-eye stare, will be a familiar sight.
#6. And this.
Hint: it’s not really a compliment.
#7. You might occasionally have to visit the ER.
But if you’re careful, you won’t get burned.
#8. Her friends will just be different versions of her.
Male, female, hipster, goth — they come in different shapes and sizes. All with razor-sharp tongues of fury. Such fun!
#9. Text messaging might be problematic.
“Hahaha… wait, what did she mean by that?” Sarcasm does not translate well through text, but it’s safe to assume that she was only trying to be funny when she sent that ‘eyeroll’ emoji.
#10. Just always assume that sarcasm is her default setting.
… and don’t take any comments literally. There is no off switch to her ‘gift’. In time, however, she will be able to dial it down to more acceptable levels.
#11. She might occasionally slip and say something sincere.
But no matter what she says, she will always sound sarcastic. If you do happen to catch her saying something nice, cherish the moment dearly.
#12. She’s not trying to be mean.
It’s just that she prefers to find humor in even the worst situations. She also has such a high tolerance for painful jabs that she forgets not everyone is bulletproof like her.
#13. Her sarcasm is actually a defense mechanism.
What is one to do with too many feelings? Bottle them up and act tough on the outside, duh. Obviously.
#14. If she goes overboard, she will make up for it with something that sounds like an apology.
She is fully aware that her comments sometimes come off as offensive, and she isn’t against apologizing for them. Just don’t expect a kneeling, repentant sinner.
#15. The rumours aren’t true: she is not a heartless robot.
Yes, she may be sarcastic. But she’s also thoughtful and charming. She cried while watching Toy Story 3. She likes cooking for other people, and playing the ukulele. The point is, her sarcasm does not define her. It’s just one of the many perks of dating a carefree, no-bullsh*t woman.
#16. And if you’re lucky, she might even rub off on you.
Now you can go be adorably sarcastic together. Congrats on taking one more dateable option from the dwindling pool of candidates. We’re SUPER happy for you. Really.