Parenting is all fun and games until the destruction and stress of looking after tiny humans kicks in. Don’t worry — the funny parents of Twitter are here to make you smile with their truly terrible parenting stories.
My 4-year-old's timeline for getting dressed:
7:00 AM: 0 socks on
7:08 AM: 1 sock on
7:38 AM: 2 socks on
7:39 AM: 1 sock on
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 1, 2017
My daughter just asked me why a pinecone isn't shaped like a cone, and I had no choice but to fake a seizure.
— Qwerty Jones (@QwertyJones3) June 6, 2015
Me: "You're going to bed in 5 minutes."
6yo: *bends the laws of space and time to make 5 minutes last 4 hours*
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) January 17, 2017
Husband: So we've basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
— Mom Psychologist (@mompsychologist) January 31, 2017
9: This sucks! I hate you! I wish you weren't my parents!
wife on Facebook: 9 is doing the laundry! He's such a good helper!
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) December 29, 2016
Parenting multiple kids is mostly just trying to keep the awake ones quiet enough that the sleeping ones stay asleep.
— Ash (an female) ⚪️ (@adult_mom) January 20, 2017
My 6 year old's superpower is knowing he doesn't like what we're having for dinner 2 hours before I've even decided what I'm making.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) January 25, 2017
Toys need to be priced according to how long your child will actually play with them.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) November 11, 2016
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) October 31, 2016
My son was crying and asked, "why doesn't the dog have to wear pants?" And it's like, I don't even know. So now I'm putting pants on a dog.
— Ally (@TragicAllyHere) September 30, 2016
wife: Let's fool around after the kids go to bed
narrator: But they never did fool around
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) January 2, 2017
Why I should accomplish all my goals today:
1) I'm motivated.
2) I'm ambitious.
3) I planned ahead.
Why I won’t:
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 8, 2017
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) October 24, 2015
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) January 7, 2017
One of the hardest parts of teaching your kids to be independent is watching them tie their shoes for 8 minutes.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 4, 2017
"There's no school or work tomorrow, so you can sleep in," I begged my 4-year-old.
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) December 23, 2016
Being a parent is making everything easier for your kids while your kids do the exact opposite for you.
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) January 26, 2017
"DON'T YELL AT ME FROM ACROSS THE HOUSE, JUST COME TELL ME WHAT YOU NEED!!!" I scream from the couch in the living room.
— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) January 4, 2017
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can't go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) August 16, 2016
I'm just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) January 2, 2017
I took my kids' screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
— sweatpants cher🔸 (@House_Feminist) January 22, 2017