Parenting is all fun and games until the destruction and stress of looking after tiny humans kicks in. Don’t worry — the funny parents of Twitter are here to make you smile with their truly terrible parenting stories.
My 4-year-old's timeline for getting dressed:
7:00 AM: 0 socks on
7:08 AM: 1 sock on
7:38 AM: 2 socks on
7:39 AM: 1 sock on
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) February 1, 2017
My daughter just asked me why a pinecone isn't shaped like a cone, and I had no choice but to fake a seizure.
— Qwerty Jones (@QwertyJones3) June 6, 2015
Me: "You're going to bed in 5 minutes."
6yo: *bends the laws of space and time to make 5 minutes last 4 hours*
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) January 17, 2017
Husband: So we've basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
— Mom Psychologist (@mompsychologist) January 31, 2017
9: This sucks! I hate you! I wish you weren't my parents!
wife on Facebook: 9 is doing the laundry! He's such a good helper!
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) December 29, 2016
Parenting multiple kids is mostly just trying to keep the awake ones quiet enough that the sleeping ones stay asleep.
— Ash (@adult_mom) January 20, 2017
My 6 year old's superpower is knowing he doesn't like what we're having for dinner 2 hours before I've even decided what I'm making.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) January 25, 2017
Toys need to be priced according to how long your child will actually play with them.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) November 11, 2016
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) October 31, 2016
My son was crying and asked, "why doesn't the dog have to wear pants?" And it's like, I don't even know. So now I'm putting pants on a dog.
— Tragic Ally (@TragicAllyHere) September 30, 2016
wife: Let's fool around after the kids go to bed
narrator: But they never did fool around
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) January 2, 2017
Why I should accomplish all my goals today:
1) I'm motivated.
2) I'm ambitious.
3) I planned ahead.
Why I won’t:
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) January 8, 2017