if my kid pushed any more buttons, I'd be an elevator..
— dadmissions (@Dadmissions) April 18, 2016
#2. What’s the name of that drink?
Waiter: Can I start you with something to drink sir?
Me: Yeah, what pairs best with 2 kids who are slowly sucking my will to live?
— Mike Cruse (@LifeInRepair) August 3, 2016
#3. Literally, man. Literally.
+ What’s it like being a dad?
– Ever watch a 26 minute video of trains going by?
+ Is that a metaphor?
– Not a metaphor.
— dadpression (@Dadpression) March 22, 2016
#4. Vacation for parents be like:
"How was your vacation?"
"I didn't go on vacation. I was babysitting my kids while they were on vacation."
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) July 28, 2015
#5. Better keep those eyes wide open.
Me: You can't like Kylo Ren. He killed his dad.
5-year-old: Maybe he deserved it.
I'm never sleeping again.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 11, 2016
#6. Those three-minute nap does act like energy drink.
My daughter took a three minute nap today which apparently means she never needs to sleep again.
— Emme Reynolds (@TheEmmeReynolds) September 15, 2016
#7. Now who’s in charge?
4yo: Did Mommy say it was ok?
Me: Daddy said it was ok, and Daddy's in charge
4yo: *whispers* not all the time
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) December 1, 2013
#8. One wish. Just one wish.
I have a wife & 2 daughters, all I want is 1 morning where someone isn't walking around the house on the verge of tears looking for a shoe.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 27, 2014
#9. Should I go get help?
Apparently a 2 year old getting her hair washed and an exorcism sound oddly similar.
— Jacques (@jnyemb) March 30, 2014
#10. I need to sort the kids.
Nonparent: My apartment’s so cluttered. I really need to sort my mail.
Parent: We have a child’s toilet in the living room.
— dadpression (@Dadpression) December 8, 2015
#11. Not good. It’s horrible.
4yo: "Daaaaddy! I need your help! I'm in the bathroom! I tried to practice wiping my own butt!"
Me: "How'd it go?"
4yo: "Not too good."
— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) May 17, 2016
#12. Yes dolls, I did the scrambled eggs, happy?
I didn't even know I could screw up a scrambled egg. But here we are & my daughter is loudly telling her dolls that's exactly what I've done
— Emme Reynolds (@TheEmmeReynolds) October 12, 2015
#13. This bag of chips is mine. Mine, mine, mine.
Whenever I have a snack I turn on the faucet so my son doesn't hear the bag crinkle because parenting makes you a prisoner in your own home.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) May 24, 2015
#14. Don’t even.
I just found spaghetti in our heating ducts if any of you were thinking of having children.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) December 28, 2015
#15. Dad’s just thinking out loud.
"No man in his own home should have to choose between Frozen or Barbie band-aids" I yell to no one in particular.
— Downtime Dad (@DowntimeDad) June 17, 2016
#16. Should I go deactivate?
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can't unfollow.
— Mike Cruse (@LifeInRepair) September 23, 2016
#17. Either way, you don’t wanna know.
I can't tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) April 24, 2015
#18. We definitely want to avoid that.
I've been carrying an acorn in my pocket for 3 months; I never know when my son might want it back & I want to avoid a meltdown. PARENTING!
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) January 13, 2015