#1. Sadly, that’s not how they work.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: "can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?"
— Ally (@TragicAllyHere) January 23, 2016
#2. That’s all any of us really want.
#3. And is he rich?
5: I'ma marry Noah.
5: He's handsome and I like his shirt.
Me: Looks aren't everything.
5: He likes to clean too.
Me: Lock that in.
— Ash (an female) ⚪️ (@adult_mom) January 26, 2016
#4. What good is THAT?
#5. Mastering sarcasm before the alphabet.
My 4yo has never said "great" non-sarcastically. Pretty sure he just thinks it's a negative word.
I'm a great dad.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) July 20, 2015
#6. You’ve raised her well.
6: Daddy, I'm mad at you.
Me: What for?
6: I'm not telling you.
She's already a woman.
— Rich Cromwell (@rcromwell4) March 3, 2016
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN'T STRONG & HE'LL DIE SOON RIGHT
— sweatpants cher🔸 (@House_Feminist) June 3, 2016
My 11 year old son wrote this joke: 'When is it the right time to tell your mother she was adopted?'
— beth, an alien (@bourgeoisalien) June 16, 2016
#9. What exactly do you do, Daddy?
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
— The Dad (@thedad) March 19, 2013
#10. Takes one to know one. Just sayin’.
7yo(to 10yo brother): You're just a little BITCH!
Me: Whoa, hey! Sit down! Do you even know what that means?
7yo: No. But I know he is one!
— keith (@tchrquotes) August 28, 2015
#11. Bad daddy.
"When I'm big I'll be a taxi driver" "Well, by then robots will drive cars" Now he's sad and hates robots, and that's why I'm a crappy dad
— Pete Lynch (@PJTLynch) March 5, 2013
#12. It’s more like highly concentrated mass hysteria.
[two of my four kids burst into tears]
Random lady walking by: Why are you crying, girls?
Me: It's cute that you think there's a reason.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 25, 2016
#13. They won’t shut up for many, many years.
When your kid is a baby: "I can't wait til they learn to talk!"
When your kid is 2+: "OMG ENOUGH, PLEASE MAKE IT STOP."
— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) June 1, 2016
#14. Wise words from a seven-year-old.
Most inventors are smart, but not the person who invented homework. They are the worst of all the inventors.
— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) June 15, 2016
#15. That’s what adults do all day, to be fair.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn't, that she is a toddler. She replied, "No, I'm a grown up. I'm going to touch knives."
— jess (retired) (@jessokfine) June 29, 2015
#16. Oh, the power.
6 (whines): I wanna watch tv
M: Won't answer if you whine
6 (pouts): I wanna watch tv
M: No pouting
6: I wanna watch tv
M: Much better. No.
— John Carpenter’s The Alex Nevil (@TheAlexNevil) September 8, 2015
#17. Master of subtlety (and self-incrimination).
4yo: What happens if your phone goes in the potty?
4yo: Never mind.
— Stephanie Jankowski (@CrazyExhaustion) September 2, 2015
#18. Apparently this isn’t how parenting works.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, "Sorry. This relationship isn't working out. You should start seeing other moms."
— beth, an alien (@bourgeoisalien) June 1, 2016
#19. She makes a valid point.
The Girl: Why would someone dress like a hamster?
Me:…. Do you mean hipster?
Girl: What's the difference?
— Ponies and Martinis (@PonyMartini) September 24, 2015