Wife: It's like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can't think of a good comeback because it's not my turn to use the brain]
— Grant Tanaka: Honky (@GrantTanaka) March 6, 2016
5-year-old: *dressed as Elsa* Zap! You're frozen.
Me: I don't have time to play right now
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can't. I'm frozen.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 22, 2016
*watching husband sleep*
Me: "I just love him so much, he's my everyth-"
Me: "I can't live like this."
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) August 28, 2016
Wife: We need milk, eggs, and bread. Write it down.
Me: No need. I'll remember.
[an hour later]
Wife: What did you buy?
Me: A panda.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 6, 2016
My wife is finally coming home from her week long trip, so you know what I'm getting tonight… yelled at. I'm gonna get yelled at.
— Eeric (@ericsshadow) June 3, 2016
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: *pauses daydream about zombie ninjas fighting cyborg Nazis from the future* You.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 28, 2016
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don't need a hedgehog. Long story short, we're picking it up on Thursday.
— ?ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ? (@3sunzzz) June 6, 2016
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn't you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) November 16, 2016
Wife: Someone invented a laundry folding machine
Me: I already have one of those. It's called a w-
Wife: *death glare*
Me: It's called me
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 6, 2016
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He's getting married, Karen
— Floyd (@dafloydsta) August 17, 2016
Wife: You pick dinner.
Me: WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
Wife: It's up to you.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 22, 2016
Let's get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 27, 2016