The decision to get back together with an ex can be a tough one. It’s not always easy to know if it will work out, and there are many good reasons for why you might want to say no. However, if you have enough of a reason to believe that getting back together could solve your problems or make both people happy again, then this article will show you how. If things don’t work out this time around, at least you gave it the best chance possible.
Common mistakes that lead to breakups
1. Not spending enough (or too much) time together
2. Constantly arguing or fighting
4. Withdrawing from the relationship
5. Letting other people influence your relationship
6. Not talking about your feelings, or not showing that you care
7. Focusing on the negative things in the relationship (instead of enjoying the good parts)
8. Refusing to take “No” for an answer—always pressing when they say they don’t want to do something
9. Not respecting their boundaries
10. Being too afraid of commitment, or being unwilling to make sacrifices for the relationship
11. Trying to change who your partner is
12. Taking them for granted
13. Putting your ex on a pedestal and idolizing them; not seeing their flaws as “flaws”
14. Thinking that your ex is “the one” and expecting them to live up to that
15. Not being assertive enough, or not standing up for yourself
16. Expecting your partner to read your mind
17. Treating them like a parent instead of a lover
If you think about it, these mistakes can be easy to fix. Just figure out what went wrong and work on the things that need fixing! This might seem difficult, but there are simple ways to make things better. The more you work on the relationship, the more your ex will want to be back in it!
How to get your ex back
First you need to make contact and get them to spend time with you again.
1. Realize why you broke up
2. Figure out what to change about yourself for your ex
3. Make those changes!
4. Show your ex that you’ve changed!
5. Be patient and give it some time—it may take a while for them to come back to you
6. Don’t get your hopes up—just try to be positive
7. Don’t contact them if they haven’t contacted you, even if it’s about the kids
8. If they do contact you, don’t press for information or ask anything that could put pressure on them
9. Try to avoid any drama in the relationship—don’t have a temper tantrum or tell them how hurt you are
10. Don’t try to get your friends and family involved—you shouldn’t pressure other people into choosing sides
11. Try to have support from at least one friend while going through this difficult time
12. Have some fun! Remember not to take yourself too seriously!
Once you’re back together, you need to rekindle the spark and slowly build back what you had before.
1. Spend time together as a couple—go out to dinner or the movies, take walks together, etc.
2. Let them choose what they want to do—if you’re always choosing everything for them, they won’t want to come along.
3. When you’re getting ready to go out together, focus on looking good.
4. Show that you still have passions in common by planning dates around their interests (e.g., if your partner loves baseball, take them to a baseball game).
5. Remember important dates—how many of your relationships have broken up around Valentine’s Day?
6. Don’t argue! Argue only about things that really matter, not little details that don’t cause any problems if they’re left alone.
7. If you have a serious issue with something your partner does, come to them privately and ask them to change it. This shows that you respect your partner and the relationship.
8. Always end phone conversations with a way to reach you—if they can’t get a hold of you when they want to, they’ll think that something is wrong.
9. Don’t flirt with people in front of your partner. This makes them feel betrayed, even if that’s not what you were trying to do.
10. Don’t bring up things from the past—putting old wounds back together is a serious challenge!
11. If something they don’t like bothers you, let them know so they can avoid doing it in the future.
12. Be assertive—tell them what you want, instead of expecting them to know!
13. If you do things that hurt your partner’s feelings, apologize for it right away—don’t leave the problem unsolved. That makes it worse.
14. Be open with your feelings—if there are problems in the relationship, they’re not going to go away if you try to ignore them!
15. Make sacrifices—if your partner wants something, consider changing something for them so they can have what they want. That shows you care about their feelings and needs.
16. Be willing to fight fair; don’t be sneaky or use your words as a weapon (e.g., saying “I love you” just to hurt them or leaving mean messages for your partner).
17. Remember that there is a difference between “No” and “Maybe”—if they say maybe, try again later, but if they say no, don’t keep asking! If something bothers you, talk about it before it becomes a problem.
18. Look at yourself—when you see problems in the relationship, don’t blame your partner—look at what you might have done to cause the problems! This is a great way to avoid making the same mistakes in future relationships.
19. Let them know how much they mean to you—a romantic “I love you” can make someone’s day.
20. Leave little notes that show how much you care (e.g., at their front door, in your partner’s wallet or purse, etc.)—this is sure to surprise them!
21. Don’t be afraid of commitment! If the relationship works out, it will be worth all the time and effort you put into it.
22. Don’t be afraid to ask for help from friends or family members if your partner is being difficult—you’ll both benefit from a little outside perspective!
23. Don’t avoid conflict just because it’s not easy; that will only cause bigger problems down the road.
24. Don’t expect them to read your mind—if you want something, tell them!
25. Even if you’ve had a tough day, walk into the house smiling and greet your partner with a big hug and kiss; it’s sure to make their day!
26. Be willing to put the time and effort in to make things work out—it takes two people to make a relationship work, so if one person is working harder than the other, it’s unlikely that things will go well.
27. Don’t tell them what you think they want to hear—be honest! The truth may not be easy to hear, but if you’re hiding the truth, your partner won’t trust you in the future.
28. Don’t give up if you’ve had a bad day; it’s always better to talk things over with your partner than to keep them in and let them fester!
29. Remember that you’re both equals—don’t try to control your partner (and don’t let someone else try to control you).
30. Don’t be away from your partner too much—it makes them feel left out and unimportant, which isn’t good for your relationship!
Reasons FOR getting back with ex
The possibility of rekindling a relationship depends on three things: the reasons the relationship ended, the way both partners see it with hindsight, and how deeply they once genuinely loved each other. Sometimes people need to break up in order to realize how much they mean to each other. Some time apart can make the heart grow fonder and allow for self-growth and reflection.
Indeed, contrary to popular opinion, sometimes it really is okay to get back with your ex.
1. An external problem is fixed.
Sometimes, relationships fall apart due to external factors that are out of your control. For example, if you broke up because you were in a long distance relationship and then ended up living in the same city, that’s a legitimate reason to give it another try. When the problem that caused your separation is gone, there’s no reason to be apart anymore.
2. One or both of you have grown.
Sometimes it takes breaking up and being on your own for awhile for one or both people to grow. That growth could put you back in alignment for allowing the relationship to work. Maybe one of you is still living at home, being childish in the relationship or just not owning up to responsibilities. A bit of self discovery may allow for maturity and growth, making it possible for a reconnect.
3. Turns out that the grass wasn’t greener.
When you spend a long enough time together, you may go though phases of being bored. Being in a relationship takes constant effort and if you don’t try, it can become dull and stagnant. One or both of you may stop realizing how amazing the other is. Often, it doesn’t take long after you break up to realize that person was the best thing that ever happened to you. The grass you assume is greener may end up looking a bit dead once you’re on the other side. Going with the metaphor, you may both decide it’s better to water the grass you have and allow it to grow.
4. You both really want it.
If you really want something to work, chances are it will. If both of you are determined to make the relationship work despite past problems, you will find a way. Taking risks is better than being afraid, so if you both feel like you made a mistake, give it another try. If you made mistakes, you can learn from them and grow together. Your reunion with each other may be better than it ever was before with everything you’ve learned from the break-up/make-up.
5. Life without each other is misery.
If both of you realize that life just sucks without each other, why put yourself through the misery? That cliche about not knowing how good your love is until it’s gone is totally true. There will always be a phase of misery when you break up but if it continues for a long period of time, you may want to reach out to your ex. If both of you are unable to get over the loss of each other, give your relationship another try.
Reasons AGAINST getting back with ex
Break-ups are never easy, but it’s something most of us go through at some point in our lives. Sometimes, getting back with an ex is just not a good idea. Like coming home after a summer vacation, you’ll miss the experiences you went through, but you’ll be happy to finally be home.
1. You’ll be stuck in the past
And you’ll end up backsliding. You’ll break up, get back together, break up again, and get back together. Again. And again. It’s a vicious cycle that will drain you and leave you alone with a fridge overstocked on ice cream and a playlist of depressing songs. There’s no bright side about being stuck in limbo.
2. You two probably just don’t have a ‘friend mode’ setting
And you’ll possibly end up in bed together. Even staying as ‘friends with benefits’ won’t end well. When they start dating someone else, (or sleeping with someone else) you’ll still feel hurt. You can’t make a big deal about it because, as you’ve decided, you’re both just friends.
3. You’ll set yourself up for constant disappointment
And you can’t complain to them about it either. When you make plans with each other and one of you bails, you can’t just get mad the same way you used to when you were together. And remember that friends don’t have make-up sex either, so now what?
4. You have to take care of yourself
As selfish as it may sound, put yourself first. If you stay friends with an ex, chances are you’ll still be the first one they’ll talk to when something is wrong. Just like before, their problems also become your problems. It might feel good to know that you’re helping them out but you have to think, is this good for you? There’s no reason to stay in that position if you’re not comfortable with it.
5. You’ll have a harder time meeting the right person
And you’ll always be expecting something from your ex. Believe in the saying that when a person leaves, it’s because another will arrive. Learn to let go of the person who brings you down or doesn’t help you grow.
Not every relationship needs to be saved, and nothing good comes out of things that you have to force. The pain from a break-up won’t last forever, but the lessons learned will.