Wife: You pick dinner.
Me: WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
Wife: It's up to you.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 22, 2016
"So. When did you break the toaster?!"
— ReeseButCallMeV (@ReeseButCallMeV) January 21, 2016
Know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved when first dating? After 20 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".
— 〰 Just Linda 〰 (@LindaInDisguise) May 11, 2013
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I'm having an affair
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) August 18, 2016
Txt from wife: where r u
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
— Grant Tanaka: Honky (@GrantTanaka) March 16, 2015
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don't need a hedgehog. Long story short, we're picking it up on Thursday.
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) June 6, 2016
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
— Periwinkle Jones (@peachesanscream) June 10, 2014
Sorry. I was late because I had to find all the things that were in plain sight for my husband.
— Housy Wife (@wife_housy) July 17, 2015
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
— Marl (@Marlebean) August 21, 2015
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife's is around $643.27. Apparently
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) July 19, 2013
At least 10% of divorces can be avoided by buying bigger blankets
— X Alqee (@Xalqee) July 9, 2012
I'm at the level of marriage where "getting lucky tonight" just means we're having tacos for dinner.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) July 27, 2015
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 12, 2015
Me on deathbed: One last thing before I die?
Husband: *in tears* Yes?
M: Change the toilet paper roll
H: *pulls out my breathing tubes*
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) January 22, 2016