No pictures of spiders, we promise. This is a safe space.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
— matt. (@biorhythmist) March 5, 2013
[spiders pour into room]
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) January 27, 2015
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
— Terry F (@daemonic3) July 25, 2016
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
— Alana Benson (@LaniBeno) December 6, 2013
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I've gone.
— Mmmm Dowling (@MarionDowling) December 2, 2014
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) November 11, 2014
"ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER"
[spider removes earbuds]
"yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever"
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) May 12, 2015
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
— Inappropriate Charm (@LackOfShame) May 10, 2015
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you'll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you've got 2days
— Dave (@T_N_Crumpets) August 20, 2015
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
— Tina (@TinaMav) November 21, 2012
Every day, I hope I don't get bitten by a spider. I'm not afraid of spiders, I just don't want the responsibility of being a superhero.
— You know (@Tmoney68) October 20, 2014
It's funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
— Matt Gallo (@mattgallo123) May 5, 2015
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
— oll (@dulcetry) October 3, 2015
*sees a spider*
I'm going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let's be cool here
— Tim (@Playing_Dad) March 11, 2015
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
— Sam (@SufficientCharm) June 16, 2015
[god in a bad mood but insisting he's fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
"but the spider is done"
Im adding 6 legs
— brent (@murrman5) September 10, 2014
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
— Matt Shirley (@mattsurely) June 2, 2015
Wife: There's a spider in the kids' bedroom
Me: I'll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
— Jeffw (@Jeffwni) March 25, 2015
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
— Dead Pan Nick (@Contwixt) December 12, 2013
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
— Oaks (@OakHill_) April 12, 2013
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
"WHO'S AVERAGE NOW DAD?"
— steve suckington (@SteveSuckington) June 29, 2015
[outside a blazing house]
Me: … There was a spider.
— Marl (@Marlebean) July 23, 2015