Do I just call you or should we resolve this quickly with 200 text messages?
— Sandra (@Sanbel11) June 15, 2016
When parents say to kids "go to ur room & think about what you've done" it's really good practice for what you'll do every night as an adult
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) September 18, 2015
I'm just a girl, standing in front of a self-checkout, screaming that there's no unexpected item in the bagging area.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) June 15, 2016
1.Not leaving my room
2.Not leaving the house
3.Missing someone's birthday party
My childhood punishments have become my adult hobbies.
— Martin Pilgrim (@MartinPilgrim1) April 24, 2016
Friend: Hey check out this 5 minute YouTube video!
Me: *replies 20 seconds later* Amazing. Best video I've ever seen in my entire life tysm
— james nielssen (@jamesnielssen) August 8, 2016
The stages of eating pizza
1) I ate way too much
2) This hurts. Why am I still eating?
3) One more bite & I’ll die
4) Just 3 more slices
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) July 20, 2016
Every voicemail I leave sounds like English is my second language.
— Erica (@SCbchbum) April 2, 2015
drunk me: I'm tired
sober me: I'm tired
coffee me: I'm tired
cocaine me: I'm tired
on fire me: I'm tired
— eric (@ericsshadow) April 8, 2016
It's a beautiful day outside!
Better move my laptop away from the window so there's no glare on my screen.
— Frankie (@phranqueigh) May 14, 2016
Shironosov / Getty Images / Twitter: @AbbyHasIssues
my favorite thing is that evrey single person watching the olympics legitimatley believes "i coud do that if i just trained for like a year"
— jomny sun (@jonnysun) August 8, 2016
If you don't say 'haha' after everything you write, will they even know you're easygoing and breezy?
— Angie B (@angibangie) May 11, 2016
me, without money: money is the root of all evil. the things u own end up owning u
me, with money: ya can i get 20 mcchickens
— ᴄʜʀɪs (@ChrisScarlette) November 21, 2015
me at age 8: if i eat my lunch quicker i have more time for recess
me at age 28: today i will eat lunch at 10:50 and a second lunch at 3:15
— leon (@leyawn) May 26, 2016
Facetime fulfills a secret human desire: to mostly look at yourself while talking to other people
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) May 26, 2016
Ingram Publishing / Getty Images / Twitter: @JessObsess
Getting older is just a slow parade of different body parts going "um, actually"
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) July 4, 2016