Hi, I spend 3 minutes every day choosing a TV channel to leave on for my dog, then I go to work and people take me seriously as an adult.
— Damien Fahey (@DamienFahey) November 4, 2014
when a cat ignores you, you think "that's on you"
when a dog ignores you, you think "you saw into my dark soul"
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) May 7, 2016
My dog acts pretty tough for someone who's afraid of cotton balls
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) July 16, 2016
nice dog. Sure would be a shame if someone were to…pet it for like 40 minutes
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) February 3, 2016
every time I see a really old dog I just automatically assume we are friends.
— Smudge Blotch (@markydoodoo) April 1, 2016
[bends down to pet your dog]
Me: what's this guys name
Owner: this is-
Me [not breaking eye contact with dog]: yeah I wasn't talking to you
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) January 31, 2016
I always wanna go up to ppl's dogs & say "OMG I'm such a huge fan of your work. I've been following it since over there." *points 7 ft away*
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) August 13, 2016
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) January 26, 2016
When you're at a party and the dog comes downstairs pic.twitter.com/t2E13mhD4k
— Pryce (@nickpryce4) February 27, 2016
if ur always hapy are u ever truly hapy
*pets dog mor*
or is hapiness only somthing we see in u bc we kno sadness
*dog wags tail*
— jonny sun (@jonnysun) May 3, 2015
In 34 years I've said I love you to two women and every dog I've ever seen.
— Matt Monroe (@heymonroe) April 1, 2016
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO'S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
— Spanky McDutcherson 🔸 (@thatdutchperson) March 7, 2016
If you're carrying around a bag of your dog's shit, the dog won.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) May 1, 2013
*sticks pins in map to show all the places I've petted dogs*
— Mave (@MavenofHonor) May 22, 2016
"can i see ur phone"
uh ok one sec pic.twitter.com/fYzpjoSk8n
— jonny sun (@jonnysun) February 10, 2015
I only work out so I'm strong enough to hold every breed of dog like a baby.
— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) August 10, 2015
"We'd be rich if you just said one fucking word"
– me, drunk, talking to my dog
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) November 5, 2015
Most of being a dog owner is yelling WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN YOUR MOUTH
— ya girl (@goldengateblond) May 31, 2015
A strip club, but instead of women taking their clothes off it's just dogs and instead of lap dances you can just pet the dogs.
— Ben (@franzferdinand2) May 22, 2013
"You bought the wrong dog food, he hates this kind!" said my wife of our dog who once literally ate another dog's puke.
— Danny Zuker (@DannyZuker) April 16, 2015