Meet Maleka from Toronto. Her love story began sweetly enough: she met her date in a grocery store, their eyes locked, he asked her out… but it was the day after when she went to his house that the story descended into pure terror.
You see, being a “confident and self-assured” woman, Maleka felt comfortable enough to poop at her date’s house. Only, when the toilet didn’t flush, things got a bit out of hand.
https://twitter.com/_blotty/status/712126522937745408?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw
So, yesterday I went on a date with a man who asked me out in the grocery store the other day. All was going well. I went back to his place
— misunderstood worm (@_blotty) March 22, 2016
“WHY ME?!?”
I am a confident, calm and self assured woman…so I felt comfortable popping in his bathroom. This was a mistake. His toilet did not flush
— misunderstood worm (@_blotty) March 22, 2016
Properly. So, of course, like any calm, confident, self assured woman. I panicked. And flushed it a million times, making everything worse
— misunderstood worm (@_blotty) March 22, 2016
We can’t take this.
By this point, I was really frantic because I had been in there for too long. There was only one single piece of poop. So in that moment
— misunderstood worm (@_blotty) March 22, 2016
Something came over me. And I knew exactly what I had to do. I got toilet paper and removed the one poop from the toilet. Once that was done
— misunderstood worm (@_blotty) March 22, 2016
I realized I didn’t have a plan. What do I do with it now? I can’t fucking leave it there. By this point I was REALLY freaking out because
— misunderstood worm (@_blotty) March 22, 2016
I’d DEFINITELY been in there too long. So, again, making another horrible decision. I did the only thing I could think to do. I wrapped it
— misunderstood worm (@_blotty) March 22, 2016
Oh gaaaaaawd.
In multiple layers of toilet paper, and put it in my purse
— misunderstood worm (@_blotty) March 22, 2016
Alright, so now what? We are sitting there on his couch and kissing and all I can think of is the piece of poop in my purse
— misunderstood worm (@_blotty) March 22, 2016
Him: you’re so beautiful. The moment you smiled at me,u had me
Me: that’s really sweet
Me in my head: I have a piece of my poo in my purse— misunderstood worm (@_blotty) March 22, 2016
At this point she frantically texts her sister for advice:
Who was no help, obviously.
So, after a few hours he used the washroom and I heard it flush. I figured he fixed it. Maybe not, but I have to take the chance. I hAve to
— misunderstood worm (@_blotty) March 22, 2016
Try to flush the poop. So I brought my purse up to the washroom. Unwrapped the poop, prayed to every god I know, put it in and flushed
— misunderstood worm (@_blotty) March 22, 2016
By the grace of God, it worked. The poo flushed. I was free. I was in the clear. Everything was going to be okay. I survived.I am a survivor
— misunderstood worm (@_blotty) March 22, 2016
So that’s my story. A man, sat there telling me I’m the most amazing woman he’s ever met, not knowing, 10 feet away in my purse, was my poop
— misunderstood worm (@_blotty) March 22, 2016
That I’d fished out of his toilet…
— misunderstood worm (@_blotty) March 22, 2016
And after all that, she has some advice:
This is v embarrassing for me. But seriously: dont drink coffee before a date, its better to be sleepy than to have to hide poop in ur purse
— misunderstood worm (@_blotty) March 22, 2016
People are LOVING her story.
w tf. @_blotty this is better storytelling than anything Hollywood has done since grandma’s boy
— evan breen (@evan_breen) March 23, 2016
@_blotty I cared more about this story than anything in recent memory
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) March 22, 2016
@_blotty you ARE amazing this whole story had me like pic.twitter.com/iOzPfLbry7
— Demure Oaf (@good_soups) March 22, 2016
And it encouraged others to tell their tales of poop woe.
@sarahjeong @_blotty I once clogged the toilet at a friend’s house, didn’t say anything and it overflowed and it leaked into their neighbors
— folu (@notfolu) March 22, 2016
And thus concludes the story of the girl who will now forever be known as “poop girl”.
Wow. All of the hard work I put into being a hot girl is tarnished by one teeny tiny poop story. Now I’m just the poop girl
— misunderstood worm (@_blotty) March 22, 2016